Childhood Trauma in Adults: How to Begin Your Healing Journey
If you’re here, you may be coming face-to-face with unresolved childhood or relational trauma and wondering how those early childhood wounds came to be. We often hear things like, “But my parents didn’t hit me or anything. It’s not like I was abused.”
The thing is, many of us carry some form of childhood or relational trauma — even if we didn’t experience overt physical or sexual abuse. Trauma isn’t always about what happened; sometimes it’s about what didn’t happen. Sometimes, it’s the absence of what we needed most that leaves the deepest impact. The absence of consistent emotional support — like not having someone to comfort you, reassure you, or really see you when you were young — is still a form of relational trauma. That experience of chronic misattunement can leave a lasting imprint, quietly shaping how safe we feel in the world and in our relationships.
This isn’t about blaming your family but about understanding how those early experiences shaped you. What happened in childhood can still impact us well into adulthood when left without reflection. When we approach our childhood with compassion and curiosity, we create the capacity within ourselves and our relationships to heal.
While childhood trauma can leave lasting effects, there are effective coping strategies that support healing.
What Is Childhood Trauma?
Childhood trauma refers to distressing experiences that occur in childhood that can disrupt development. Trauma can range from “Big T” traumas—such as abuse, severe neglect, or witnessing violence—to “Little t” traumas—like bullying, chronically inattentive, and/or misattuned parents, or growing up in a chaotic/unpredictable environment. Relational trauma is another term for the childhood experience of not getting your needs met.
One widely researched framework for understanding childhood trauma in adults is Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), which encompass a range of experiences like abuse, neglect, or growing up in a household with mental illness, substance abuse, alcoholism, or domestic violence. The most common ACEs reported nationally in the United States are divorce and facing economic hardship.
ACEs can overwhelm a child’s nervous system, leaving them feeling deeply afraid, helpless, or unsafe. When this kind of stress continues over time without enough support, it can lead to what’s called toxic stress—a level of distress that can impact a child’s brain development and emotional well-being. ACEs increase the risk of chronic health issues, mental health challenges like anxiety or depression, and relationship difficulties later in life. Hypervigilance due to childhood trauma is one way adults can be impacted when ACEs are left unaddressed.
According to the CDC, 1 in 6 adults have experienced 4 or more types of ACEs. Women and underrepresented minorities are at a greater risk for 4+ ACEs.
Whether categorized as “big T” traumas or “little t” traumas, these adverse experiences shape mental and even physical health, and they can leave deep emotional scars that may not be fully realized until adulthood.
Trauma is a hidden health epidemic in the United States. People with 4 or more ACEs are 1.4 times more likely to have diabetes, 5 times more likely to have major depression, and 10 times more likely to experience “problematic drug use.”
Trauma Responses
When we talk about trauma responses, we’re talking about the unconscious ways our nervous system tries to protect us when we feel unsafe—physically, emotionally, or relationally. Trauma is not just stored as a memory in the mind but as a physical imprint on the body, altering our nervous system and influencing how we perceive and respond to the world. These responses often start in childhood and carry into adulthood, especially if those early wounds never got the support they needed. Hypervigilance due to childhood trauma is one common way we store chronic stress. There are 4 main subconscious trauma responses.
The 4 Main Trauma Responses
Here is how these subconscious trauma responses manifest:
Fight – This response is rooted in a deep need to protect yourself when things feel threatening or overwhelming. You might notice this come up as irritability, anger outbursts, defensiveness, or trying to “fix” everything around you. It can also show up as feeling overly responsible or trying to control outcomes to feel safe. Underneath it all? A longing to feel grounded and empowered again.
Flight – Flight is the urge to escape discomfort—physically, emotionally, or mentally. This might look like staying busy 24/7, overworking, perfectionism, or avoiding hard conversations. If you find comfort in productivity or feel anxious when things slow down, your system might be trying to keep you safe through motion.
Freeze – Freeze happens when things feel overwhelming. You might shut down, feel stuck, or have trouble making even small decisions. It can feel like being numb, disconnected, or like you’re watching life from the outside. If you’ve ever said, “I just can’t deal right now,” freeze may be at play—it’s your nervous system hitting pause to protect you.
Fawn – Fawning is rooted in a deep desire to keep the peace. It often looks like people-pleasing, struggling to say no, or putting others’ needs ahead of your own—even when it hurts. You might seek validation or avoid conflict at all costs. This response develops when we learn that safety comes from being agreeable, helpful, or low-maintenance.
Fawning is also known as “please-and-appease.” As Pete Walker, M.A.–who coined the term “fawning”–writes, “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.”
While classic trauma responses like fight, flight, freeze, and fawn have been well-researched, newer terms like “friend,” “feign,” “fine,” and “flop” have emerged from the growing understanding of how people adapt to relational and emotional threats. These terms aren't tied to one specific researcher, but come from trauma therapists, somatic psychology, and attachment theory as a way to describe real survival strategies many individuals use to stay safe.
Friend – Friend is a survival strategy that involves seeking closeness—even with people who may not be safe. It can look like staying in unhealthy relationships, overextending yourself for others, or ignoring red flags to avoid rejection or abandonment. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I stay?”—friend mode might offer some insight.
Feign – Like fawn and friend, feign is all about navigating threats by adapting your outward behavior. You might pretend to be happy, agreeable, confident, or indifferent even when you’re feeling something very different inside. It’s a way of masking your true self to avoid conflict, rejection, or danger.
Fine – Fine is about masking pain. It’s the smile when you’re breaking down inside, or saying “I’m fine” when you’re anything but. You might push away your feelings, act like things don’t bother you, or stay surface-level with others. It is how many learned to stay safe by being “easy,” “strong,” or “unbothered.”
Flop – Flop mode is like your body waving the white flag. You might feel heavy, foggy, or physically weak—like you want to curl up and disappear. Sometimes, it looks like total surrender or zoning out under extreme stress. It’s not giving up—it’s your body conserving energy when it feels like there's no other option.
It’s completely natural to engage in these behaviors after experiencing trauma. Even now, when things are safer, your body is reacting like it’s not.
That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you; it means your system is doing its best to protect you based on what it’s been through. You’re not overreacting–you’re responding.
Once you recognize your response patterns, you can start to examine the ones that no longer serve you. It’s not about being broken—it’s about being human. These responses helped you survive hard things. Now, it’s a matter of bringing more ease and peace into your life.
How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Impact You in Adulthood
Have you ever felt like you keep falling into the same difficult situations? Maybe you find yourself drawn to the wrong partner again and again, or notice that no matter the job, burnout seems to follow. You might feel constantly on edge or exhausted, even in moments that should feel safe.
According to Dr. Stephen Porges, who developed Polyvagal Theory, the vagus nerve plays a key role in helping us relax after a threat has passed. When childhood trauma goes unresolved, the nervous system may not get the message that it’s okay to settle. Instead, it stays on high alert.
This helps explain why you might still feel anxious or hyper-aware, even when there’s no immediate danger. When the vagus nerve isn’t functioning as it should and our autonomic nervous system struggles to reset after stress, we can become stuck in a state of emotional dysregulation. Over time, this can make chaos or anxiety feel familiar—even normal—because that’s what our nervous system has come to expect. It’s not that we’re addicted to stress on purpose; it’s that our system is doing its best to keep us prepared for danger, even when it’s no longer there.
Chronic dysregulation can look like:
Overthinking (ruminating)
Dissociating
Numbing out
Endlessly scrolling on social media
Not remembering much of your childhood
Having gaps in your memory
Using drugs or alcohol to self-soothe
Oversharing
Hypervigilance due to childhood trauma (never feeling like you can relax)
Ignoring your needs to keep others close
Over-apologizing
Avoiding (people, places, situations)
Isolating (not keeping in touch with friends and family, even those who make you feel safe)
7 Ways to Cope With ACEs and Childhood Trauma for Adults
Coping with childhood trauma is not easy, but healing is possible. Working with a licensed trauma therapist who can help you process traumatic events or memories in a safe, contained environment can make all the difference.
1. Explore Emotional Triggers
By recognizing your emotional triggers, you can interrupt old patterns and create space for more intentional responses. Triggers are situations, words, or behaviors that evoke intense emotional reactions, often tied to past experiences. These reactions can feel overwhelming or disproportionate to the present moment, signaling that something deeper is at play. By paying attention to what sets you off, you can begin to connect the dots between your current feelings and past wounds. This awareness helps you gain insight into unresolved pain that may be resurfacing. Recognizing your triggers is not about avoiding them but about understanding them, so you can take action and respond with more self-awareness.
2. Expand Your Emotional Regulation Toolkit
Emotional regulation is something we learn over time, and if no one taught you how, it’s completely understandable if it feels difficult. You can work on emotional regulation by connecting with your body, taking deep breaths, and practicing grounding exercises. One of the most powerful tools is simply pausing—giving yourself a moment to breathe and reflect before reacting. This can feel challenging at first, especially when you subconsciously resort to a learned trauma response. But with practice, you can learn to recognize what’s happening, step away when needed, and make choices from a place of calm and clarity.
3. Connect With Your Inner Child
It might sound cheesy, but asking yourself when you have felt this feeling before can give you a lot of information. As you tune into your experience and your body, what are you noticing? Is there tension in your chest? A heaviness in your stomach? Butterflies? Take a moment to sit with it and ask yourself—when have I felt this way before? How old does this feeling feel? Are you four years old, longing for reassurance? Seventeen, craving acceptance? See if a memory from childhood comes to mind, and gently ask yourself: What did I need in that moment that I didn’t receive? You might be surprised by the wisdom that arises when you acknowledge the needs that went unmet and give your younger self the space to be heard.
4. Examine Your Core Beliefs
It can be difficult to examine core beliefs around painful events, but it’s a necessary part of healing. When you examine your deeply buried, often subconscious thoughts that guide your behavior, you can begin to change them. Core beliefs are often automatic thoughts we hold about ourselves, others, and the world. They can include things like our beliefs that we are likable, lovable, competent, worthy, and that other people are safe or trustworthy. When you examine what you subconsciously think about yourself—like “I'm never good enough” or “My needs don’t matter”—you can begin to challenge them by considering the evidence and looking to replace maladaptive core beliefs with healthier ones.
5. Discover your Attachment Style
Our early relationships shape not only how we cope with stress, but how we connect with others. The theory of attachment style was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who observed that infants would go to great lengths to prevent physical separation from their parents. His argument was that over the course of evolution, infants learned to maintain proximity to attachment figures (their caregivers) to increase their chances of survival. The theory of attachment styles continued to advance over time, and now encompasses how individuals navigate close relationships–whether romantic, platonic, or familial–based on the sense of internal safety and stability they felt early in life. Learning your attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) can shine a light on the relational patterns that trace back to childhood. Attachment styles aren’t fixed; once you’ve identified yours, you can begin to explore new ways of relating and gradually shift toward more secure, trusting connections.
6. Practice Setting Healthy Boundaries
If you grew up in an environment where your needs were ignored or met with criticism, setting boundaries as an adult can feel foreign or even guilt-inducing. But learning to set boundaries is one of the most powerful steps you can take toward healing. Boundaries aren’t about being harsh or shutting others out—they’re about honoring yourself, your time, and your emotional well-being. Tune into your needs: What makes you feel safe, respected, or drained? Notice when resentment, discomfort, or anxiety pops up—these can be cues that a boundary is being crossed. Start small. Practice checking in with yourself: “What do I need in this moment?” “Is this something I genuinely want to do?” “What would feel respectful for me?” Then, begin expressing those needs clearly and kindly. Remember, healthy boundaries are a sign of a healthy relationship. Setting boundaries won't harm a healthy relationship—it actually helps nurture it.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion allows you to acknowledge your feelings without judgment and to view your experiences with empathy. When you’ve experienced trauma, it's natural to carry feelings of shame, guilt, or self-blame. Healing begins by reminding yourself that what happened wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve the pain you went through. Practicing self-compassion means offering yourself the same care and understanding you would give to a loved one in a similar situation. With self-compassion, you can process your pain and move forward, knowing that you are worthy of love, care, and peace.
You don’t have to process childhood trauma alone.
It can be exhausting to carry all of this on your own, especially when it’s been your normal for so long. I’m Katie Byram, a trauma therapist in Walnut Creek, California. I work with women, young adults, and moms who are feeling stuck—whether it’s anxiety that won’t quiet down, people-pleasing that’s taken over, or relationship patterns that feel hard to break.
Maybe you’ve been doing your best to manage, but things still feel heavy. Maybe you’re not even sure where it all started—just that you’re tired of second-guessing yourself or feeling like you’re too much and not enough at the same time. In therapy, we’ll explore the experiences that have shaped you and build tools to help you feel more confident and grounded. Healing is possible, and it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Reach out today to schedule a consultation.
Journal Prompts
Think of a recent moment when you felt unexpectedly unsettled. What was happening around you, and how did your body and mind respond? Notice if a familiar survival response—like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—surfaced. Gently explore what early experience this reaction might be linked to, and brainstorm one small, compassionate action you could offer yourself the next time you feel that way.
Bring to mind a childhood moment that still feels tender. Imagine stepping into that scene as your adult self—what would you say or do to let that younger you know she was seen, heard, and loved? You might picture giving her a reassuring hug, speaking kind words, or simply being present and asking, “What do you need right now?”
Choose a limiting belief you’ve carried—perhaps “I’m not enough” or “My needs don’t matter”—and transform it into a loving affirmation like “I am deserving of care and respect.” Write your new mantra on a sticky note or index card and place it where you’ll see it every day. As you pass by, pause for a moment, breathe deeply, and let that gentle reminder sink in.
Reflect on a situation where you felt uncomfortable saying “no” or speaking up for yourself. What boundary was being crossed? Consider one specific boundary you’d like to practice setting this week—whether it’s protecting your time, your energy, or your emotional peace. Write out how you’ll communicate this boundary kindly but firmly, and imagine how honoring it will nurture your sense of self-worth.
Article written by Katie Byram, LMFT, LPCC
Katie Byram, LMFT, LPCC, PMH-C, is an anxiety therapist in Walnut Creek, California. She is passionate about helping women overcome anxiety, heal from childhood trauma, build healthy relationships, and thrive in motherhood. Katie is a highly qualified mental health professional who is dual-licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #121494) and Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC #10717) through the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. She also holds a Pupil Personnel Services Credential (PPSC) from the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing and is certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C) through Postpartum Support International.